One of the most challenging tasks that faced the Casual in her early days was the conversion of a spartan and utilitarian vessel of exploration (and occasional combat) into a fun and inviting cruise ship. This was made all the more difficult by the appalling lack of qualified interior designers within the remaining crew. As with all things, however, the men and women of the Casual found within themselves the skills and fashion sense necessary to redecorate the Barship in the most frighteningly eclectic ways imaginable. (A subsequent refit has replaced most of their efforts with an interior scheme which causes far less nausea, dizziness, and panic.)
There are several types of guest accommodations aboard the Casual, depending on your desires, your finances, your importance, and your ability to buy off the reservations officer. Most of the larger quarters are modular, allowing us to alter the number of each type depending on our needs of the moment. All Casual accommodations feature a complimentary beer tap, in-room data terminals, two tins of Altoids, a Gemmorahn replicator, tacky wall art, and up to six bedding changes per day. Unfortunately, the Casual does not provide room service for consumable items; however, Medical personnel and qualified entertainment professionals are always on call if a case of sobriety or a feeling of horniness sets in. In addition, each room has hidden within it one Dazer Type 1.
Since the earliest days of water-based cruising on Terra, there have always been travelers who need to get somewhere by ship who barely have two slips of latinum to rub together. Aboard the Casual, we seldom actually go anywhere, but there are always guests wishing to partake of the Casual experience who have no method of payment whatsoever. Many of these are Starfleet officers and their families; since the Federation generally has no use for currency, they haven't paid Starfleet personnel in over 120 years. To accommodate these impoverished souls, the Casual has a Steerage class.
Steerage passengers are issued a sleeping bag and mat which can be compressed to fit into a "fanny pack." They are permitted to sleep in any area of the ship in which party activities are not currently underway, provided they don't touch anything vital or snore too loudly. Steerage passengers are advised to avoid using the warp nacelles, photorp launchers, transporter pads, or outer hull as sleeping areas, as this might prove dangerous to the ship in a crisis situation.
Steerage passengers are permitted full use of the ship's guest facilities, and are allowed access to the Guest Armory during selected times. However, access to the guest facilities by steerage passengers is permitted only between 0100 and 0435. Any steerage passenger found using guest facilities at any other time will be detained by the Party Marines and made to volunteer for any strange or unusual entertainment called for by actual paying guests. (Of course, this means that any Steerage passenger wishing to have a particularly memorable cruise is invited to use the guest facilities whenever the mood hits them.)
Single Staterooms are equipped with the standard amenities, and come with a single bunk and access to a shared lavatory. Two adjoining single staterooms may be combined by their occupants into one double stateroom, and this is encouraged by the crew through the use of "brushaway" separator panels. If a guest even breathes on the adjoining wall, it will fall to the deck instantly. We feel that this is an excellent way to meet new people and share experiences with your fellow passengers. In the unlikely event that a separator panel replacement is requested, a damage-control team will arrive to fix the wall within 72 hours.
Double Staterooms are designed for couples, or those wanting to be, and come equipped with two single bunks which can be placed together to form a single unit. Once together, a seven-man team is required to separate the bunks.
The ridiculously named Swingin' Suites are designed for groups of 3 to 6 who have a taste for variety. In addition to the standard accommodations, the SS's have several modular bunks which can be formed into a nearly infinite number of configurations. To date, we have recorded 237,102 unique and pleasurable bunk assemblies. Swingin' Suites are also equipped with a Lube Bar, a hot tub, and a portable vacuum cleaning device. (Guests are asked to use the vacuum unit only in a manner consistent with its labeling.) Passengers wishing to book passage in a Swingin' Suite without a full suite complement will be added to the Swingin' Lotto, and will be assigned to a different suite on a daily basis.
The crew of the Casual are well aware that there are more than a few individuals who find showing off to their fellow sentient beings to be either an erotic enhancement or a performance requirement. For those guests with this particular kink, we have designed the Exhibitionist Suites.
Exhibitionist Suites are fairly standard in design, with a few notable differences. Seventeen independent monitoring devices, covering three of the five senses present in Terrans and other humanoids, are employed within the suite in the most unobtrusive way possible. There are no furnishings within the suite that might impede viewing of the occupants. A bank of data terminals is centrally placed to allow guests to review, critique, or order copies of all recordings made by the monitoring systems. However, all the monitoring and playback systems are designed for subterfuge, in case the occupant wishes to keep his/her partner "in the dark" (a figure of speech only; the sensors are quite capable of low-light operation) about the true nature of the suite.
The Exhibitionist Suite's monitors can be called up on any data terminal aboard the Casual, including those within the Jefferies Tubes and the Ship's Theater. Guests staying in an Exhibitionist Suite must also sign over all publication rights to Gemmorahn Enterprises, but will receive royalties on all recordings sold within the Federation.
We are constantly amazed at the large number of guests who have chosen to make the Casual their Honeymoon destination. Unfortunately, many of those guests have never experienced anything like our blatantly offensive and enormously pleasant entertainment's, and find themselves looking for a quick way back from the brink of perpetual monogamy after only a few days aboard. Thus, we are somewhat saddened to report a 63% (on-board) failure rate of weddings which culminate in a Casual honeymoon. (We have no data on how many long-term relationships have been begun aboard the Casual, but testimonial reports have placed us comfortably ahead of both Wrigley's Pleasure Planet and Risa in terms of "satisfied" customers--nudge, nudge)
For those guests who wish to try the Casual as a Honeymoon destination, we have several Honeymoon Suites available. In addition to the normal amenities, the HS comes with two Type 2 Dazer Pistols, one in each nightstand; fully mirrorable walls and overhead panels; choice of standard, water-filled, air-filled, gel-filled, zero-g, or bourbon-filled beds; a collection of "marital aids" from every race known to use them (with appropriate instructional data and mandatory insurance waivers); a fireplace simulator; three bottles (per day) of your choice of Terran, Vedean, or Betazoid champagnes; a mid-bed feud curtain; and eight hours of free access to the Hallucination of the Week aboard the Hotel Gemmorah (when the Casual is docked). Newlyweds are also provided with a randomly determined amount of credit at the on-board casino, the exact amount of which is determined by a totally unbiased, chance-driven method. (Reports that the Casual crew monitors sexual activity within the Honeymoon Suites to gauge the amount of credit awarded to each couple are totally unfounded! Nobody on duty would ever do such a thing!)
Along with the suite, Newlyweds are expected to participate in the weekly "Newlywed Game," a contest held on the Hangar Deck each Thursday where couples work extremely hard to prove that their new partner is a complete idiot.
At any given time, the Casual may be playing host to several VIP's from various races, governments, corporations, or entertainment companies. To accommodate these important guests, we can configure any three Double Staterooms into a Visiting Dignitary Suite.
The officers and crew of the Casual want to make sure that visiting VIP's know the high esteem in which we hold them; at the same time we wish to demonstrate that no civilian or military entity of any kind in any system known has anywhere near our staggering financial resources. True, almost all of our mind-boggling wealth is presently being spent on making the colony of Relaxia a cool place to be, but we have no qualms about flaunting some of the trappings of extreme well-off-ness in front of our more important guests. As such, each of the VIP Suites can been decked out with more glitz and panache than one might logically expect to find in the home of a planetary emperor or Orion pirate. In fact, we recently traded a used set of VIP furnishings, along with some other stuff, for our new set of Warp engines.
VIP Suites are equipped with more expensive gadgets and easy-on-the-eyes decor than could easily be described here. Of course, arrangements can be made to add any hardware or escorts that a visiting dignitary may require, and we offer a really exceptional cash reward to any VIP who requests something we cannot acquire within 36 hours. So far, only one visiting dignitary has been the recipient of this reward: We had some difficulty finding a willing partner for a particular type of utility robot which had recently achieved both self-awareness and a burning desire for redheads.
VIP Suites must be reserved 6 months in advance, but this figure can be shortened considerably by the judicial use of bribery.
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