Along with the numerous standard and non-standard activities we provide for our guests, there are a number of guest-oriented facilities aboard which are designed for the independent and reckless use of our passengers. Many of these facilities are intended to provide our valued guests with the ultimate cruise experience available in known space; however, some of them are just plain entertaining (mainly to us), and others are simply ill-conceived attempts to make sure our passengers are never bored enough to begin tampering with any of our fragile and temperamental systems.
Over the years, various amenities and systems have been added to the Casual for the use of our guests. Some of them, such as the Tribble Dispenser and the Passenger-activated Warp Core Ejection System, were quickly found to be less than intelligent and were quickly removed, destroyed, or upgraded. Other systems have proven their entertainment value through years of involved entertainment and continuous use, and have been refitted or properly labeled as time went on. This is the current list of guest facilities.
[excerpted from the UBS Casual Guest Guide, provided in each and every stateroom]
The Casual, as you may have noticed from the marbled tile decking and the skimpy togas of the staff, loosely follows a Roman theme of debauchery and entertainment. This being the case, the ship absolutely requires a suite of true Roman baths as part of her set of amenities. The Casual has two bath facilities, one in each the primary and secondary hulls.
The Casual's baths are designed to provide total relaxation and comfortable liquid immersion for most known species with a fondness for such activities. Temperature, chemical content, alcohol content, and actual liquids used are all fully selectable, and convenient dispensers provide for both liquid refreshment and self-flagellation needs. Bath basins are designed to hold up to 8 standard humanoids (16 of they're friendly), and each bath facility holds four such tubs.
The staff of the Casual would at this time like to remind our guests that our record for locating lost or misplaced items is absolutely perfect. Our advanced sensors and analysis systems are constantly monitoring all guest items aboard to ensure that no passenger is forced to part with any of their possessions, either by accident or larceny. We also realize that certain materials have an unusual tendency to become separated from their owners while immersed in warm, comfortable water. We would therefore like to reassure you that anything you might find yourself accidentally losing during your stay in the baths will be cheerfully returned to you upon your departure from the Casual. Anything. Just think of it as another friendly Casual service.
The heart, soul, liver and kidneys of the Casual are her numerous Dispensaries. Here talented and attentive Medical personnel will gently minister to all your intoxication needs.
Dispensaries are located in all primary guest areas, including the lounges, theater, baths, hangar deck, transporter rooms, and mini-casino. In addition, built-in replicator-type dispensaries are located in most corridors, turbolift cars, heads, engineering areas, Jeffries tubes, shuttlecraft, lifeboats, and EVA suits.
Our dispensaries are designed to provide each and every Casual guest with the ultimate drinking experience this side of Mudd's World. Careful readings acquired during the boarding transport process (see Barfleet Protocols) allow our human and automated Dispensary systems to tailor each and every beverage to your individual taste, tolerance, and desired mind-altering effect. No matter what you want from your drink, from a quick buzz to a narcissistic aphrodisiac, our dispensaries are fully stocked and completely prepared to produce the potent potable you require.
In addition to the standard customized beverages, our manned dispensaries are known to stock several more common beverages. In fact, along with the Hotel Gemmorah's annual alcohol production of 1,785,000,000 deciliters, we spend an annual quantity of credit equal to the value of the planet Romulus on imports. It's a safe bet that we carry at least one bottle of every alcoholic beverage known to modern medical science. Along with the standard purchasing and transport of imports from around the explored areas of the galaxy, the Casual also helps out impoverished or recovering apocalyptic civilizations by setting up alcohol production facilities and allowing indigenous workers to earn significant amounts of whatever materials they need by simply following brewing and distilling methods perfected millennia ago on Terra. All in all, the Casual's alcohol supply system is a very philanthropic endeavor.
Although most of our guests seek out the dispensary to procure drinks, we're acutely aware that some guests will seek out the bartender for conversation, solace, and understanding. As such, we train our medical staff extensively in a wide range of social and psychological skills intended to provide guests with a sense of wellness, comradeship, and a lack of concern for high credit spending. Our training program includes capsulated studies of psychology, psychoanalysis, sociology, anthropology, xenology, astrology, pharmacology, dream interpretation, ethnic aboriginal taboos, elective surgery, sex therapy, non-Euclidean geometry, palmistry, phenomenology, tarot, political science, aroma therapy, etiquette, Klingon cuisine, animal husbandry, hand-to-hand combat, and Federation law. Any problems that our medical staff can't respond to both knowledgeably and sympathetically are therefore probably unsolvable or really, really stupid.
As some of our passengers may be aware, the original configuration of the MK IX/A Heavy Cruiser includes a small and woefully inadequate crew entertainment facility on Deck 7 known as the "Rec Deck." Encompassing a mere 13,000 square feet, the Casual's original Rec Deck was one of the very first things to be put under the creative knife of our liberated Engineering staff. The resulting enhanced Rec Deck is not only a testament to the more dangerous effects of mass boredom, it is also one of the primary reasons behind the revocation of our hull registry.
The Casual's official Rec Deck occupies 75% of decks 6 and 7, leaving the remaining areas of those decks for such nonessential functions as crew quarters, transporters, and the occasional turbolift. Two areas which were sacrificed in the modifications were the Auxiliary Control Room (we barely use our primary controls, much less the auxiliary ones) and Sickbay, although several bits of sickbay hardware are still present. (For the infrequent actual medical emergency aboard the Casual, our CMO has set up a fully functional sickbay area in the cargo hold.) In addition, the Armory was absorbed into the Rec Deck, and is described separately below.
The Rec Deck is host to a cornucopia of entertainment hardware from every nook and cranny of the galaxy. There are board games, table games, party games, card games, survival of the fittest games, drinking games, VR games, fish-related games, games involving physical contact, people with weapons, people without much clothing, and plenty of private "gaming" areas. The Casual's Main Dispensary is located here, as well as several self-service dispensary terminals. The Rec Deck is also the location of some of the most interesting "tourist attractions" aboard the Casual, including the Big Carpet Stain, the Relatively Large Olive, and the Stunningly Ordinary Shrubbery.
Please note that the Rec Deck is closed for four hours a day for cleaning and sterilization. The hours may be posted, but if not, we ask that you leave the area quickly when you hear the hissing sound and the oxygen level begins to drop.
Scattered throughout the ship, our Guest Lounges offer passengers a place of quiet relaxation in the midst of the frenzied party activities and groping would-be partners.
Guest lounges can accommodate up to eight passengers. They feature comfortable seating, a small replicator, and soothing musical selections. Each one has been equipped with enough sound-absorbing material to render a Klingon voice pleasantly sweet. Holographic panels in the lounge can be set to display various soothing or entertaining vistas, views from the ship's external monitors, or live feed from certain guest cabins. For a small fee, the panels can even display Casual officer's quarters.
Passengers are asked to avoid spillage, cigarette burns, and other avoidable stains. Also, please be kind to the furniture.
Due to space considerations, the Casual's shuttlecraft are not carried inboard unless we are under way. When the ship is at rest, the shuttles are deployed on a monomolecular strand tow cable to make room for other, more important activities on the hangar deck.
NOTE: Shuttlecraft are NOT toys! They are complex support craft capable of fulfilling a variety of mission profiles in support of the Casual and the Hotel. They are not to be used by passengers, for any reason, at any time, under any circumstances.
Therefore, passengers are cautioned not to approach the hangar bay when shuttles are aboard. Guests should not remove the code keys for a shuttlecraft from the hangar control room, because no guest should be digging through the third locker from the left (the one marked "hosiery") when the hangar control room is vacant (usually between 0100 and 0330). Guests are expected to never even consider using purloined shuttle keys to activate a shuttle's systems and start the automatic pre-flight checklist. We further know that no passenger would ever even consider using the manual override controls on the shuttlebay doors (the large blue button on the starboard bulkhead near the sign marked "Spleen!") to open the bay to space. (We are sure that nobody would ever be sucked into space; we just leave the environmental curtain up all the time. Better safe than in litigation, we always say.) Finally, we are confident that no passenger would ever actually pilot a shuttle from the bay and take it on a joyride around the local system.
In the event that all of our assumptions about the dispositions and behaviors of our guests prove to be in error, we would like to assure our passengers that all Casual shuttles are fully equipped for extended periods of off-ship entertainment.
The personal Dazers used aboard the Casual are great weapons. We know that, and we know that our guests know that. No hand weapon is more sought after on civilized worlds than the Mark I Dazer, which can easily be concealed in a pocket, purse, or some other infrequently searched location. Of course, we are very possessive of our toys...we would never want to upset any planet's balance of stimulation with a flood of high-tech entertainment weaponry. We are very pleased to report that in the long history of the Casual and the Hotel, only four hand Dazers and one two-fist model have ever turned up missing. (Three of those were later discovered in a bar when we rented the Federation's Deep Space Nine facility.)
In the interest of providing our passengers with the most entertaining cruise possible, we routinely open the armory to paying guests for ship-wide target practice and familiarization. Guests are given a full ten seconds of instruction on the proper use of the Dazer Type I, and are then free to roam the ship in search of willing targets.
Guests are warned not to attempt to smuggle Dazers off of the Casual when it comes time to end your cruise. Although the Type I models are cleverly designed to easily facilitate covert concealment under even the most revealing of circumstances, we must remind our passengers that Dazers removed from the Casual without prior authorization are not only detectable in transport, but are programmed to reach overload within 30 minutes of being removed from the ship. (Although the effects of overload can vary depending on gender, race, and sexual tolerance, it is not uncommon for the detonation to quickly replace any other sexual experience ever had by the victim in terms of intensity and duration, rendering them effectively impotent for several decades.)
Like all cruise ships, the Casual has a large liquid filled basin for individuals who enjoy the wetter pleasures. The actual liquid used varies from week to week, and the pool is closed on Sunday evenings for draining, sterilization, and filling.
Under normal cruise conditions, the shuttlebay is cleared of support craft and fitted out as a dance hall, complete with live musicians and several mirrored balls dangling from the overhead. Musical selections vary depending on the night and the band we've lined up, and guests are advised to check their programs in advance to ensure that proper attire and mental states are in evidence.
(Due to unacceptable casualty rates, we must insist that Klingon and Gorn guests refrain from participating in the Monday Night Mosh.)
The finest theater companies and first-run full-immersion cinematic productions are regularly scheduled in the Casual theater. Two mini-dispensaries are placed at the rear of the auditorium, and a full service escort bar is located in the lobby.
Passengers are asked to please dispose of all non-food waste materials in the biohazard receptacles located at the theater exits.
Although the Hotel Gemmorah is well-equipped with modern and antique gambling facilities, there are times when the Casual is actually traveling somewhere and needs an independent casino. The ship's Arboretum has been converted for this purpose, providing a multilevel gambling environment with modular game systems capable of handling up to 80 guests. Games include Poker, Blackjack, Craps, Slots, Roulette, An Eye for a Dollar, Wheel of Misfortune, Fokkers and Spads, Dabo, Blue Max, Guess What's In My Hand, World Domination, Baccarat, Beer Chess, Spinal Tap, and Bet I Can Chop Off Your Right Hand.
In addition to the games, there are two full service Dispensaries in the casino and a platoon of Barbies on duty at all times. (First time guests are urged to take care in attempting to keep pace with drinking Barbies and/or Kens; they have been bioengineered with the tolerance of a Commodore.)
Passengers wishing to have their personal garments cleaned during their cruise may do so with startling ease and convenience.
Clothing that you wish laundered should be placed in the specially provided receptacle and left just outside the door to your quarters prior to 2300 hours. During the ship's "sleep" period (when we dim the lights to simulate night and everyone starts making out in the corridors), a group of stewards will collect the laundry receptacles and bring them to the central laundry, where the contents will be removed and laid out on our large display tables. At this point the crew will take turns ridiculing various guests' taste in apparel, stain capacity, and choice of manufacturers. After this procedure, the crew will take the most hideously soiled garments and have them burned in a ghastly ritualistic ceremony involving three coal-fired braziers, eight presumed virgins, and a dachshund. Any garments remaining after the ceremony will be cast into the ship's super-high-pressure shuttlecraft washing chamber, where water approaching 10,000,000 PSI at 195 degrees Kelvin will quickly and efficiently annihilate all traces of foreign matter from the delicate fibers of your most elaborate garments. Drying is accomplished using an industrial microwave finish baking kiln, where your clothing will reach temperatures approaching the core of a sun in order to ensure no harmful bacteria or foreign viruses can survive to trouble your Casual experience.
All clothes which are of sufficient quality to survive our laundering procedures will be returned to their owners prior to 0700 the next morning.
Back to the UBS Casual Page